A few years ago I conducted an experiment called LaughLab. This year-long search for the world’s funniest joke is described in my book Quirkology. Yesterday I was going through the old LaughLab computer files and I came across the first 1001 jokes from the database. They are all clean and are exactly as people typed them in.
So, in an attempt to cheer up the world, I thought that I would give them away. To give you an idea of the standard, here are 10 randomly selected jokes from Laughlab…..
1) What does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do? Stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.
2) A termite walks into a cocktail lounge, and asks a customer, “Is the bartender here?”
3) A man goes to the vet about his dog’s fleas. The vet says “I’m sorry, I’ll have to put this dog down”. The man is incredulous and asks why, and the vet says”because he is far too heavy.”
4) A man is sat at home watching T.V. when he hears a knock at the door. The man gets up and answers the door, to his astonishment there is a snail at the door. The snail says “can i sell you some double glazing.” To which the man replies “no” and kicks him down the street. Two weeks later there is another knock at the door. The man answers it and it is the snail again. The snail then say “what did you do that for then.”
5) A group of Chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games. The manager can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
6) The police arrested two men, one for drinking battery acid and the other for eating fire crackers. They charged one and let the other one off.
7) Two hikers were walking through the woods when they noticed a bear charging towards them in the distance. The first hiker removed his trail boots and began to lace up his running shoes. The second hiker laughed and said, “Why bother changing out of your boots? You can’t outrun a bear.” The first hiker replied, “I don’t have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you.”
8) How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to do it, and another to hold the fish.
9) As a funeral train passes by a golf course, a golfer on one of the greens stops, stands at attention with hat held over his heart as the hearse goes by. Then he goes back to lining up his putt. His playing partner remarks how that was the nicest gesture he’d ever seen, to show such respect for the dead. The first golfer sinks his putt and says, “Well, she was a good wife for sixteen years.”
10) What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
OK, you can download the rest here (PDF, .5Mb).
So, what’s your favourite joke?