For 1 day only……1001 free jokes!

63

A few years ago I conducted an experiment called LaughLab.  This year-long search for the world’s funniest joke is described in my book Quirkology.  Yesterday I was going through the old LaughLab computer files and I came across the first 1001 jokes from the database.  They are all clean and are exactly as people typed them in.

So, in an attempt to cheer up the world, I thought that I would give them away.  To give you an idea of the standard, here are 10 randomly selected jokes from Laughlab…..

1)  What does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do?  Stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

2)  A termite walks into a cocktail lounge, and asks a customer, “Is the bartender here?”

3) A man goes to the vet about his dog’s fleas. The vet says “I’m sorry, I’ll have to put this dog down”.  The man is incredulous and asks why, and the vet says”because he is far too heavy.”

4)  A man is sat at home watching T.V. when he hears a knock at the door. The man gets up and answers the door, to his astonishment there is a snail at the door. The snail says “can i sell you some double glazing.” To which the man replies “no” and kicks him down the street. Two weeks later there is another knock at the door. The man answers it and it is the snail again. The snail then say “what did you do that for then.”

5) A group of Chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games.  The manager can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

6) The police arrested two men, one for drinking battery acid and the other for eating fire crackers.  They charged one and let the other one off.

7)  Two hikers were walking through the woods when they noticed a bear charging towards them in the distance. The first hiker removed his trail boots and began to lace up his running shoes. The second hiker laughed and said, “Why bother changing out of your boots? You can’t outrun a bear.” The first hiker replied, “I don’t have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you.”

8) How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?  Two, one to do it, and another to hold the fish.

9) As a funeral train passes by a golf course, a golfer on one of the greens stops, stands at attention with hat held over his heart as the hearse goes by.  Then he goes back to lining up his putt.  His playing partner remarks how that was the nicest gesture he’d ever seen, to show such respect for the dead.  The first golfer sinks his putt and says, “Well, she was a good wife for sixteen years.”

10)   What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.

OK, you can download the rest here (PDF, .5Mb).

So, what’s your favourite joke?

 

63 comments on “For 1 day only……1001 free jokes!

  1. Anonymous says:

    Thanks .

    What a gift.

    Js

  2. mrnmmxi says:

    Loved number 8 but 5 was the only one toale me laugh out loud. (I refuse to say lol)

  3. A man walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he notices Van Gogh by the jukebox. He calls over “Hey, Van Gogh! Want a drink?” and Van Gogh replies “No, thanks. I’ve got one ‘ere.”

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
    (I changed ‘playing the fruit machine’ to ‘by the jukebox’ because I didn’t know what a fruit machine was, and figured most of my friends wouldn’t either. Sorry.)

    • Michael Sternberg says:

      Hmm – I think it’s not the fruit machine that’s the problem …

    • Michael: Most of the bars in NC don’t have ‘fruit machines’ (I’m assuming this is a slot machine, right?). The only on-site gambling allowed in our state is in the licensed casinos in Cherokee, and since most of my friends aren’t the gambling type, jukebox seemed a more appropriate entry. It doesn’t change the tone or the punchline, so I figured it’d be ok.

      Thanks for insinuating I’m an idiot, though. It was very thoughtful of you.

    • Michael Sternberg says:

      I see that it can be read that way. Sorry about that.

      That thing better be told in all-out Cockney. Your addendum ”per se” diverted attention away from the punchline and made that fall on deaf ears.

    • David Mathew says:

      By the way, a fruit machine (or ‘fruity’ as we say in the Home Counties) is an excellent way of losing about twenty pounds sterling in about six minutes. There’s one in my local pub and the barman says he makes more from the machine than he does from selling drinks (though I dare he might have exaggerated a bit). It’s basically a gambling machine based on the old one-armed bandit type of game. If you get three bananas (or whatever) in a row you win thirty seconds worth of self-esteem and two quid. And then you put it back into the machine and go home to remortgage the house to feed your addiction.🙂

  4. Jenny says:

    Lol at the number 8 smiley face.

  5. Anonymous says:

    No. 74 about the Buddhist made me laugh, but plenty of them were funny. Thanks for sharing.

  6. Anonymous says:

    the first one! haha

  7. Michael Sternberg says:

    I heard (7) before and LOLed tremendously. Of the others, there’s more groan than wit, but (5) is the best in the crowd. Speaking of which – (3) is rather lousy.

  8. Genius,
    How about making the world tour with laughter therapy/master-classes? Making people happy? Relaxed? More intelligent? And combing our skills, methods & popularity, etc?
    Love,
    Natalia Levis-Fox

  9. Larry says:

    You messed up joke 47. It should be this. Q: why did the anarchist drink green tea? A: because proper tea is theft.

  10. davegr8 says:

    lol….some are really good.I can’t stop laughing at my workplace…..
    where did u have them hidden for so long………
    u shud publish them and distribute for free along with the book.

  11. Stu says:

    Can someone please explain the termite joke to me? I just don’t get it!

  12. Berber Anna says:

    I loved 2 and 8.

  13. Stu says:

    Ah! So obvious when you know. Many thanks – and now I get it, I like it!

  14. Berber Anna says:

    Also, I’m missing 26 jokes (10 are here, then the document starts at 37). Is that just me?

  15. Lazy T says:

    Oh happy day, can we have the dirty ones tomorrow?
    1,5,8, faves

  16. Bletherskite says:

    One of my favourite jokes from when I was a kid is

    Q. “What’s that?” (Points at foot shaking about rapidly)
    A. An epileptic fit

    ‘Fit’ being a Scots term for foot. I’m aware that it may be one of those jokes that’s not seen as PC these days but it still makes me laugh, especially when telling it to non-scots.

  17. mittfh says:

    Number 1 has to be one of the oldest jokes around. I remember back in 1995 when I first discovered the ‘net, the FAQ for rec.humor expressly warned against submitting that joke. It’s about as old as “What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?” (A woolly jumper), “Why are trees noisy?” (because of their bark) and “What’s black and white and red all over?” (conventionally, a newspaper – although there are dozens of alternative punchlines – not all of which are clean!)

  18. Black beauty, now he was a dark horse

  19. Geez! Thanks Richard from preventing me from getting anything done today.

  20. Chrissie says:

    2 tigers walking down the prom. One says to the other “quiet for the time of year”.

  21. There’s these two fish in a tank and one says to the other, “can you drive this bloody thing?”

  22. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
    Well hung.

  23. What’s a Shitzu?
    A zoo with no animals

  24. Anonymous says:

    has anyone else noticed that there seem to be random numbers missing in the pdf file? e.g. 1029. also many jokes are repeated😦

  25. What’s black and sits at the top of the stairs?

    Steven Hawking after a house fire.

  26. Anonymosity says:

    What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana?

  27. Anonymous says:

    Do we need to mark these as not-funny, funny-once, or funny-always?

  28. Berber Anna says:

    Oh, and as long as we’re adding jokes:
    Two antennae met on a rooftop, fell in love and got married.
    The wedding wasn’t anything special, but the reception was excellent.

  29. Kristian says:

    I like #7 the most, #8 next most. Don’t know if it had to do with the first 6 ones “getting me giggly” though.

  30. NeonNero says:

    Very nice, although I’ve heard a different (better?) version of number 8:

    How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.
    😀

  31. SherryH says:

    Thank you for these! Enjoyed the jokes above and downloaded the rest for later.

  32. Niraj says:

    the surrealist one. i thought i saw the number eight … or maybe not

  33. Chris says:

    Do know Tommy Cooper, hilarious.
    Dont know Christopher Timothy (yet)
    But ofcourse i am from the seventies ;-()

  34. SimonP says:

    1013 is very clever…

  35. James Burman says:

    I read the recipe for a fruit salad the other day. It said I should use 5 pineapples cubed. I thought ‘125 pineapples? That’s a lot of fruit’

  36. Ecru says:

    The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t allow faster-than-light particles in here”. A neutrino walks into a bar.

  37. John Loony says:

    What’s the difference between a duck?
    One of its legs is both the same!

    How can you tell the difference between a sheep and a goat?
    By looking at them!

    What’s worse thatn raining cats and dogs?
    Hailing taxis!

  38. Antoine says:

    I’m French and for me, it’s a bit hard to understand those jokes… But I laugh a lot for the first and for the last.🙂

  39. anibal_morbo@yahoo.com.ar says:

    ¿si 10% de los democratas vota NO cuando 70% de los republicanos vota NO (DATOS REALES); que porcentaje de piscis son democratas y que porcentaje de capricornio lo son? . SIGNO /VOTO SI /VOTO NO/ SE ABSTUVO
    Pisces //23 //////3 //////1
    Capricorn/ 20///// 9////// 0
    CONFIRMA LA PUBLICACION DE “JAMES RANDI EDUCATIONAL FOUNDATION”, ASTROLOGIA Y VOTOS DEL CONGRESO “vote for sign”(DATOS REALES)

  40. Mwenz says:

    Loved No.10 i ain’t even Australia but love it

  41. Bob says:

    I’m not sure if this is something to be proud of or not, but, I’m a member of Sickipedia, the worlds foremost and undoubtedly greatest host of jokes there is. Not are all for liking, I must stress that.

    The website name does give it away a tad, the mainstream of jokes that get posted are normally current events, and quite a few can be found offensive if you find anything offensive. at all.
    It works on a point system, so if you are a meber you can vote jokes up or down, if it gets voted up, it can become the joke of the day if it does well,

    Every time someone famous dies, Take MJ for example, i can guarantee it came from sicki, every time you get texted a joke, odds on are it came from there too. Not all are in bad taste, but, i shall give you a trio of my jokes that made joke of the day, week, and month on the site.

    If you are offended easily, don’t read the following.
    —————————————————————-

    I’m just sat here on Christmas day watching ‘Annie’

    Sorry Kate and Gerry, that’s what I call her now.

    ————————————————————–

    The word ‘Tsunami is not in my phones predictive text memory.

    So if you get a text from me saying “TRUMANG!!!” get the fuck off the beach

    ————————————————————–

    Plug sockets.

    Secretly moving their holes when it gets dark, just to annoy you, since 1904

    ————————————————————

    The above were originals by me, the following joke was the top ever joke voted by everyone since the site started

    WARNING: CONTAINS ADULT HUMOUR AND SEXUAL REFERENCES
    ———————————————————-
    9 out of 10 people prefer gang rape
    ———————————————————-

    Its funny because it’s wrong to laugh at it.

  42. Frau says:

    Frau…

    […]For 1 day only……1001 free jokes! « Richard Wiseman[…]…

  43. haine says:

    haine…

    […]For 1 day only……1001 free jokes! « Richard Wiseman[…]…

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  45. […] For 1 day only……1001 free jokes! « Richard Wiseman – 29/9/2011 · Number 1 has to be one of the oldest jokes around. I remember back in 1995 when I first discovered the ‘net, the FAQ for rec.humor expressly warned …… […]

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