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Time for some light relief.  On Twitter I put out the first line of a joke, and asked people to complete it.  There were lots of great replies, so I thought it was worth repeating the exercise here.  So, here we go……(drum roll)….

An egg walks into a bar and……

Can you come up with a punchline?  Post it and comment on others – let’s see if we can find the best egg/bar joke by the end of the day.

 

117 comments

  1. orders a drink. The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve people who aren’t wearing shoes.” The egg says “Shoes? I’m an egg, I don’t have feet” to which the bartender replies, “I can see your foetus”

  2. … and drinks heavily for 5 hours, at which point he falls off the stool, luckily not breaking up on the dirty tile floor. The bartender and another patron go to tend to him, and he wakes up from his stupor only to ask “Where eggaxtly am I?”

  3. ….gets completely wasted, gets the munchies and then eats a pickled egg from behind the bar, wonders why his vomit looks and smells even more like scrambled eggs than normal!

  4. An egg walks into a bar singing and the bartender says, “Why are you in such a good mood?” and the egg says, “I just got laid.”

    (inspired by Hilary’s)

  5. Barman says: “you look confused pal, what’s up?”
    Egg says “I dunno. Some days I feel like there’s a chick inside of me, trying to get out.”

  6. and looks nervously at the barman. “You okay?” the barman asks. “Yes,” replies the egg, “I just need a drink to bring me out of my shell a little…”

    1. That is by far the funniest joke I have ever heard in my whole life. I am crying with laughter. You are sooooo funny. And handsome, I bet.

  7. starts smashing the place up. The French chef storms out of the kitchen and shouts “hey, that’s une euf”.

  8. The Barman says “hey, aren’t you that famous singing egg?”
    “I sure am,” said the egg.
    Barman says “wow, I’m a big fan. I’ve got all your albumen.”

  9. The barman immediately grabs him and ties him up.

    “Why did you do that?” asks the egg.

    “I’m going to claim the bounty on your head,” replied the barman.

    “What am I wanted for?”

    “Poaching.”

  10. and orders a glass of champagne.

    “A votre santé,” says the barman.

    “Why did you say that?” asks the egg.

    “I just looked at you and suddenly had an urge to make a French Toast.”

  11. …with his little eggy head resting on the bar, he proceeded to tell the barman about his latest exploits in the bedroom….”It was just awful….there was yolk all over the place…..I don’t know what I’m doin in there man!!!”

  12. …ask for a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.

    The landlord looks at him and says, “But you’re a egg”

    “I see you’re eyes are working” replies the egg.

    “And you talk!” exclaims the landlord.

    “I see you’re ears are working” says the egg, “now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”

    “Certainly,” says the landlord, ” sorry about that, it’s just we don’t get many talking eggs in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”

    “I’m working on the building site across the road” explains the egg. So the egg drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

    The ring leader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him; “You’re with the circus aren’t you? I know this talking egg that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!”

    “Sounds marvellous” says the ringleader, “get him to give me a call.”

    So the next day, the egg comes into the pub. The landlord says, “Hey Mr egg. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!”

    “Yeah?” says the egg, “Sounds great, where is it?”

    “At the circus” says the landlord.

    “The circus?” the egg enquires.

    “That’s right” replies the landlord.

    “The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle

    “That’s right!” says the landlord.

    The egg looks confused. “What the f**k do they want with a plasterer?”

  13. An egg walks into a bar and…

    … offers his wares: Ludo, Draughts, Snakes-and-Ladders etc.

    The barman says to him “I see you are now a Poacher turned Gamekeeper.”

  14. and orders a beer.

    “What’s your name there, fella?” asks the barman.

    “Ted,” replies the egg.

    “What’s happening?”

    “I’m starting a new job tomorrow.”

    “What will you be doing?”

    “Working in a restaurant. They’ll take me, beat me and put me in a Hollandaise.”

    “Sounds like hard work.”

    “No kidding. By the end of the day, I’m going to be egg-sauce-Ted.”

    1. This was an elaborate-setup-to-a-really-bad-pun worthy of Pearls Before Swine. Thumbs up!

  15. …and orders a drink.
    On the other side of the bar, a rasher of bacon turns to his friend the sausage and says, “Wow! Look at that! A talking egg!”

    (Sorry, old joke)

  16. …and orders a double vodka, and then another. The barman asks, “Something bothering you, buddy?”

    The egg replies, “Yes, I’m devastated. I’ve just learned that my mother was brutally slaughtered and her carcass desecrated so some fat idiot can have his McNuggets.”

  17. The barman booms at the top of voice an “OMG an EGG just walked in”
    the egg replies “I’m an atheist you hairless monkey now get me a fluffy duck and watch me evolve”

  18. An egg walks into the bar…

    … and the bartender says “I am guessing there’s a yolk in this somewhere.”

    OR

    … and the bartender asks “Is the horse on holidays again?”

  19. And screams “bolt the door for love of god their coming”
    the barman said “calm down egg your all scrambled what’s up”
    egg runs to the bar “ it was horrible me and few dozen mates where laying around in the solarium sob* sob* bits of shell flying was everywhere one by one like some crazy alien movie these creatures with huge black eyes and pointy mouths started bursting out of everyone ….have you got some aspirin I got a splitting headache.”

    take 2

  20. With apologies to Barry Cryer:

    And says: “I’ll have a pint of beer please”

    The Barman responds, “blimey a walking talking egg, how did that happen?”

    “Well” says the egg “it’s a long story.”

    “Pray tell it” offers the Barman

    “A few years ago I was, much like yourself, a stout yeoman of the brewing fraternity. I took leasehold of an old disused pub with a plan of refurbishing it and running a micro brewery. As i cleared away the cobweb filled attic I chanced upon a small copper oil lamp. Thinking that it may be worth something I started to give it a clean and much to my surprise a genie appeared.”

    “Hmm” said the barman, “that happens a lot more often that one would think”

    “Well the genie offered me three wishes and straight away I wished to always have a million pounds in my pocket, and that no matter what I spent it would be instantly replenished. Secondly I wished for enlightenment and inner peace. With the granting of that wish I had nearly everything I could ever want and was living a satisfied and contented life. I took up philanthropy and I have spent the time since touring the world and trying where I can to make world a better place.”

    Here the egg gave a peaceful and contented sigh and swigged heavily from his drink.

    “A noble twist to the normal egocentric demands made of these supernatural beings, but this fails to explain your current predicament” stated the barman.

    “Well for my third and final wish, I asked to be a walking talking egg”

  21. An egg walks into a bar and brags about how he’d just got laid tonight.

    The barman says “What??!… what are you doing in here then???”

    “Looking for another hot chick.”

    (An addition to Charlotte’s inspiration)

  22. An egg walks into a bar; it has to be the dirtiest, meanest bar in town. The egg looks around scuttles up to the bar, sits down with the widest grin on his face and yells at the bartender “This sure is a mighty fine establishment you have here, give me one of your best.” The bartender looks at the egg confused and asks “Sir, are you blind, this place ain’t been worth the dirt on the floor in years.” The egg replies “Ahh my good man, but you should see the shit hole I just came out of.”

  23. An egg walks into a bar , sees a chicken and shouts, ” What do you think of yourself you chick; f**king around and setting me loose just to tell the others that I got laid!!!”

  24. An egg walks into a bar and sees a six-inch pianist playing a piano. The egg walks out again – he was in the wrong joke.

  25. … and the barman says “Well done! I wasn’t sure who’d come first, you or the chicken.”

    The egg looks confused, “Chicken? What’s the chicken got to do with it? It was an egg and spoon race.”

    “Oh I am sorry then,” says the barman and nods towards the end of the bar where a wooden spoon is sipping a pint of beer, “It looks like the spoon’s beaten you.”

  26. How about… an egg walks into a bar and and says “Double, no treble brandy. Now. Quick. You see, I was with this chick last night, don’t know how I got away… painful”?

  27. An egg walks into a bar and the bartender says, “We don’t serve eggs here” and the egg says, “Why? Is it because we shell out poultry tips?”

  28. …..gets into a fight with a chicken. They start yelling rude comments at eachother. After some backtalk the egg shouts…”Yeah! Well you couldn’t beat up an egg even if you tried!!!” To which the chicken replies “You think so?! I shit people like you out for breakfast!!”

  29. with another three eggs in a carton following.

    The egg orders a treble whisky.

    “We don’t get many talking eggs in here,” observes the bar tender.

    “Well, until this morning, I was a regular human being,” replies the egg.

    “What happened?” asks the barman.

    “Bloody Genie,” the egg replies. “I was walking along the beach when I spied a rusty old lamp. I picked it up and gave it a little polish. Suddenly this Genie appeared.
    “I am the Genie of the lamp,” he said. “And I can grant you one wish.”
    “Any wish?” I asked.
    “Yes, any wish.”
    “No restrictions?”
    “Only your imagination.”
    “No limits?”
    “None.”
    “So can I be a, for example,…”
    “Granted,” said the Genie.”

  30. An egg walks into a bar, and seeing an old lady slip, he rushes to her aid.
    She thanks him by saying, ‘You have a heart of gold’.

  31. …and the bartender says “what can I get you?”

    the egg replies “something to get my sunny side up” to which the bartender laughs “ah, you have to scrambled first”.

  32. Barman says ‘You look different today’
    Egg says ‘Yeah, I’ve undergone something of a renaissance’
    Barman says ‘Does that make you a packaged Period?’

  33. and the bartendar asks, “what’ll you have?”

    The egg replies, “This may not go over easy for ya. I just came in on the ‘red eye’, and I’m all scrambled up… but without ‘mulling’ over this too much, give me a beer. On the sunny side, that Benedict guy finally got what was coming to him… I shot him on his front poach.”

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